The Emperor's New Trenchcoat
by Ariadne Bassarid
Summary: The only question is... will Seto Kaiba be naked? Romance! Sort of. Excitement! Of the kind involving innuendo. Holograms! Or lack thereof. Doughnuts! Well, a doughnut. [SxS oneshot]


**_It's official, I've totally lost the plot - but I found this bunny instead. HAPPY BUNNY. I mean, uh… Happy Birthday! to Britt, aka, hakubaku..chan…an … uh… Yes, hakubaikou-chan. I'm not on crack, I swear._**

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**The Emperor's New Trenchcoat**

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Once upon a time there was a land called KaibaCity. Once upon a time before _that_ it was called Domino, but when the Kaiba brothers' fortune hit the eleventy billion dollar mark thanks to an amazing breakthrough in virtual reality technology, they decided to just go ahead and buy the place.

Ordinarily the sale of a city isn't the sort of thing the government allows, but… Eleventy billion dollars. The Kaibas could buy the moon if they approached the right people. (In fact, they had actually considered this, since the moon is one of the last places on earth to remain empty of fangirls, but then, Mokuba kind of liked the fangirls - and they _really _liked him after the launch of his career as a sex-hot jrocker.)

Anyway, once upon a time in KaibaCity, Serenity Wheeler was sitting at her desk. Yes, on the seventh floor of KaibaCorp. No, not as his secretary/love-slave, though she could daydream (…and did). Kaiba was way up on the forty-second floor, in an office considerably larger than her own. If he had been randomly flipping through security monitors, wondering who to fire today, he might have seen Serenity on the screen, lounging in her chair and eating a doughnut, and he just might have exclaimed to his faithful second, "Otogi - " (for KaibaCorp bought out Dungeon DiceMonsters long before it bought out Domino), "Who is that lollygagger?"

And Otogi would have been heard to reply, "Why, that's Serenity Wheeler, Sir, one of your holoworkers in Sector 7-G."

"Wheeler, eh?" Kaiba might possibly continue to question.

"Yes, sir, you were her brother's nemesis in your highschool years."

"Doesn't ring any bells."

"You called him 'mutt'."

"Still nothing." Kaiba would have stared blankly.

"You also once shared a moment on top of your blimp."

"Oh. Her. In the brief glimpse I had of her, she was a sex kitten." ("Meow," Kaiba's internal monologue added.)

"… Yes, Sir."

(The internal monologue, probably not located in the region of Kaiba's brain: "Was? Is, you fool! Look at the way she's licking the sprinkles off that thing! You're seriously going to fire her?")

Kaiba's mouth: "Well, she seems to be one of our leading doughnut experts, better keep her around."

"Yes, Sir!"

Theoretically, this could happen. At the moment, it's just conjecture. It _might_ have been happening as Serenity was lounging in her chair eating a doughnut. However, from our narrative point of view, what know actually happened was that Serenity, eating her doughnut (pink icing – with sprinkles, of course), was checking her company email – specifically, she was reading a memo.

A few short seconds later, she fell off her chair.

_Search for a new head of holo-graphics clothing design:_

_**Design Seto Kaiba's new outfit!**_

_As part of KaibaCorps' forthcoming advertising campaign, which will feature Seto Kaiba **himself**, and because we here at KaibaCorp encourage **competitive** attitudes, we are holding a competition for said position. This will be open to all citizens of KaibaCity, so if you currently work as a holo-graphics designer, watch your ass. Outfit must be also appropriate for future use on a humanoid DuelMonster. _

_Contact Otogi Ryuji for more details._

Serenity then rubbed her ass – not out of fear for its safety, but because she had landed on it and her tailbone was rather sore. Incidentally, however, she hadn't gone through years of boring calculus and computer programming classes alongside her adored graphic design, merely to have her job taken away from her as part of a marketing strategy.

She picked up the phone and punched in an extension. "Otogi."

"…Yes?"

"This is Serenity Wheeler."

"Ah, Serenity, I was just thinking of your burning red hair and my - "

"Whatever. Look, send me the details for this competition thingee, okay?"

"Gee, I don't know… What's in it for me?"

"I won't tell Kaiba that I dumped you because you were always interrupting our making out to talk about him."

There was a sigh through the telephone. "How long are you going to use that against me?"

Serenity sobbed. "Until I forget the humiliation!"

"Alright, alright! Don't cry again, please!"

She grinned as she hung up the phone. Then she picked up a sketchpad, and didn't put it down until she was surrounded by white, balled up pieces of paper. If Kaiba wanted something to prove how realistic his holograms were, she'd give it to him. _Oh Serenity_, he'd say, _Give it to me. Give it to me now. _

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_

A month later, Seto Kaiba was veto-ing the hideous creations of many of the citizens of KaibaCity (Domino).

"This one isn't too bad."

"Capes are so passé, Otogi. Why do you even still work here? Look at your own outfit."

A certain former pharoah's design landed in the rubbish bin. Or it would have done, if the bin wasn't overflowing.

"But you chose this for me, Sir."

"And it was meant to be worn with sex appeal, damn you! See how I wear my clothes with sex appeal, Otogi?"

"Oh _yes_, Sir."

"You're giving this company a bad and unsexy name. Remind me to fire you, later."

It was then, as Otogi was staring at him adoringly, that Kaiba's gaze fell upon It. His hand extended, trembling slightly, and grasped the design. He exhaled slowly. It. It accentuated his calf muscles. It flared about his flawless hips. It made his perfect, tight ass even more perfect and tight – if such a thing was possible. And most importantly, it had more buckles than a straightjacket.

"This one."

* * *

Serenity shrieked for a little while, because of course, of all the hundreds of thousands of designs submitted, hers was Kaiba's preferred choice. After the initial excitement had passed, however, she got to work. Because of course, it wasn't as simple as that. They had to select finalists. The finalists would have access to the best technology KaibaCorp had to offer, to bring their creations to life – or, you know, to a very realistic simulation of life. After that, the final creations would be presented live at Mokuba's next rock concert for audience vote (this is the post-Reality tv world, you know).

Unfortunately, Serenity soon ran into a problem. She started shrieking again.

To be more accurate, she started yelling at her three computers.

"Why? Why do you hate me! My brother is smarter than you and your stupid processors, and he used to think hotdogs were actually made of dogs!" She hit one of the monitors.

It just wasn't possible. She needed to create a hologram that fit Seto Kaiba like real clothes – a simulation so perfect that people in the audience would believe it was real, because of course, they wanted to believe their holograms were real, and possibly, when their sultry, purple-clad girlfriend was out of the house, try to conjure up a Harpy Lady and put the smooth moves on her.

But Kaiba's measurements defied the greatest computational devices available to man. A computer just couldn't make fake pants fit that tightly. They couldn't make a trenchcoat that, in its spectacular flare, also somehow showed off the thin waist of its wearer, and his smooth chest. Only paint could achieve such an affect, and not MS Paint, either.

Around three am, an idea came to Serenity, much, as in other fairy tales, fairy godmothers or magical talking frogs appear to comfort the maiden in distress. Technically, it wasn't so much an idea, as a dream.

In fact, it was totally a dream.

You could even say that Serenity, in her anger and desperation, had fallen asleep on top of a pile of sketches and a keyboard. Seto Kaiba had just scaled her long, firey locks to the top of the tower of her chastity. "Did it hurt?" he said, tenderly, his hands on her small waist, pulling her close to him.

"A little pain is worth the pleasure of your love, my darling," Serenity assured him, tangling her hands in his hair as he bent over her.

"Mmm," Kaiba mumbled in response to that, because by then he was too busy softly biting her lower lip to actually reply with words.

"Oh Kaiba - " she gasped, as he moved down to her neck, "We have such a short time before the witch returns and once again asks me to let down my hair!"

"The better to let down your dress, my dear!" he growled in a husky tone.

At this point, Serenity bolted awake, a piece of paper stuck to the remnants of her pink lipstick, and the imprint of keys on her forehead – she was awake, firstly because her dream made no sense, starting out as Rapunzel and segueing very quickly into Little Red Riding Hood, and secondly, because she'd seen It. No, not _that_, you dirty-minded little readers – well, actually, yes, that too. But a much grander It than that, at the same time. She'd seen how she was going to make her fabulous hologram outfit work.

Quite simply… She wasn't. She just needed Kaiba to think it would.

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It was six hours before the concert was due to begin. They were standing on the empty stage, trying to do a 'dress' rehearsal. Kaiba stared. "So you're trying to tell me that from inside the hologram, I can't see what I'm wearing."

"Yes," she said meekly, and leaned forward slightly, hoping to show off her cleavage and distract him.

Seto Kaiba scowled, possibly to mask that he was staring down her shirt. "You expect me to believe that? That makes no sense at all!" ("Ms Wheeler, I've always remembered our passionate moment in the same general vicinity on a blimp, and I was wondering if you could step into my office for a moment, please…?")

Serenity's cleavage was not ample, but Kaiba generally spends a lot more time with computers than real, living, breathing girls. Especially girls with cascading red hair that knew how to use his computer graphics software.

"I'm sorry, Sir, I don't know how to explain it, it just happens. I've tried it myself."

"Oh really." ("Don't think about her naked with your computer graphics software… Oh … Too late.")

Told you so.

Fortunately for Serenity, and the plot of this fairytale, at that precise moment Mokuba burst out from stage right.

"Seto! What do you think of MY outfit for the show?"

Serenity gaped. Mokuba Kaiba appeared to be standing in front of her in an outfit that consisted entirely of black leather boots, and a series of black leather straps that covered his legs and torso.

Mokuba changed directions. "…Why hello, kitten; Seto didn't tell me he had such attractive employees."

Her mouth flapped a little. "I babysat you, once," she stammered, eventually.

Mokuba pouted. Serenity stared fixedly on the piercing he had through his lower lip. "Well," he said, "Why don't we do it again sometime? And if I'm a bad boy, you can spank me."

Mokuba promptly found himself flat on his back thanks to the super styled ninja skills that Seto Kaiba, as a man, naturally possesses.

"Owwww," he whined, "Don't get my costume dirty, big brother!"

"I need a drink. NOW." Seto declared, and stormed off. Mokuba followed, though not before winking at Serenity.

She stood on the spot for a few more moments after they had gone. Was she actually going to get away with this? Would the world see Seto Kaiba… Naked? Stayed tuned and find out after this break.

_What's that you say? Your millennium item is ridiculously oversized and weighing you down? Well, do as the King of Games does, and use one of these handy Millennium Pouches! Your pouch can be secured to your belt, and you can whip that sucker out whenever the world is threatened -** without** travelling through life, feeling like you have too much bling! Comes in red satin and purple velvet._

Who would have thought Yami would stoop to such a level?

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The crowd cheered. Mokuba was easily getting them warmed up and ready to see Seto Kaiba, in person, objectualising himself as a fashion model.

"Mr Kaiba, they're almost ready for you," a stagehand shouted. "Uh… Mr Kaiba? …Oh my god, where's Kaiba!"

Roadies suddenly began racing across the backstage area. One of them was shouting into the microphone that linked to Mokuba's earpiece.

In a closet somewhere, Serenity and Seto were ignoring the panicking. If you want to know how they ended up there… Well, it might have been that Kaiba was standing out backstage waiting to go on, clad in a dark blue lycra body suit. And, in that case, he might have looked ridiculous (of course, once he walked out on stage, no one would have seen the lycra, only the virtual costumes imposed over it). Kaiba _might_ also have been swaying slightly, because one drink _might_ have turned into eight or so under the influence of his sweet little now-adult brother.

In this situation, Serenity might have protested. "The lycra will interfere with the hologram! That's how minutely close my hologram's paramameters are!" And she might have been swaying a little, too. Frankly, she'd have needed some fortification. She would, afterall, be about to lose her job. "No one will see!" In such a case, Serenity _might conceivably_ have offered to get naked too if it would make Kaiba feel better.

Theoretically, this could happen. At the moment, it's just conjecture. The only thing we really know from our narrative point of view is that somehow, they were definitely in the closet, and Kaiba was definitely wondering something out loud.

"…Does this count as sexual harassment?"

Serenity didn't actually get to respond, because as soon as Kaiba finished that thought, he busied himself by biting her lower lip.

Somewhere else, Otogi might have suddenly burst into tears for no good reason.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Well, except for Otogi, obviously.


End file.
